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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23746639">Raise Your Hand If You Have Not Slept With Alphonse Elric</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros'>rokosourobouros</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood &amp; Manga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Difference, Background Ed/Win, Bisexual Male Character, Comedy, Ethical Slut Alphonse Elric, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Multi, Older Woman/Younger Man, Parental Headcanons Subverted, Post-Canon, Restored Alphonse Elric</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:42:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,548</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23746639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alphonse returns from Xing with a spring in his step, a cheeky grin, and a whole new arsenal of tricks. Riza is definitely, absolutely a mature woman who knows how to behave around him. </p><p>Definitely. </p><p>Or, Alphonse is a flirt, and they shouldn't be surprised, but somehow are.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alphonse Elric/Riza Hawkeye, Alphonse Elric/Roy Mustang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Raise Your Hand If You Have Not Slept With Alphonse Elric</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>..... I have no explanation. xD </p><p>There is a high chance of this having additional chapters of Alphonse continuing to be an Ethical Slut, and the one I really wanna do is Roy/Al because I have a very soft spot for that ship. </p><p>If you feel weird about Al being shipped with any of the military members, you are free to read other things! He is twenty years old, he is an adult and very much making ALL the first moves here.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                Many things had changed in the aftermath of the Promised Day, but for some reason, Riza was surprised to find that Alphonse had, too. It had been… longer than she’d realized, actually. About three years or so, so he was about twenty.</p><p>That didn’t mean she was prepared at the train station when a cheery voice called her name, she turned around, and stared <em>up </em>at a golden-eyed, brunette, <em>handsome as fuck </em>face.</p><p>She squinted. “…Alphonse?”</p><p>“Hey, Hawkeye!”</p><p>“No way.”</p><p>He rubbed the back of his head with a laugh. “Turns out my body caught up. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good. What on earth did they feed you? You’re-“</p><p>“Five feet, ten inches,” he finished with a chuckle. “People keep asking me that.”</p><p>“Ed is furious, I imagine.”</p><p>“I actually haven’t <em>seen </em>Ed yet.” He fell into step with her as they walked out of the train station yet. “We’re meeting up in Rizenbul.”</p><p>“Three years without talking to Ed? Really?”</p><p>“Well, telegrams and letters. But yeah, we’ve been busy.”</p><p>Al started telling her about Xing and the desert, the stories of his travels, but Riza found herself distracted. Her romance with Roy – such as it was – had never quite blossomed, rooted as it was in shared trauma, and yet as it turned out, the same trauma made it hard for her to connect with anybody else. So, as usual, she’d been alone. She was fine with that, usually. But she still had an eye for beauty, in the various places it ended up, and-</p><p>-god, she felt like a <em>horrible </em>person for even thinking it, but Alphonse Elric was a fucking gorgeous man. She didn’t know why she was surprised. It had been pretty common knowledge even back in the day that Edward was uncommonly pretty for a teenager, but he’d still been, you know, a teenager. Besides, his personality kind of ruined it. Some people liked the brash thing, but as much as she loved him, he was a kid to her. Permanently.</p><p>Alphonse, though…</p><p>…had just opened a door for her without so much as breaking his stride.</p><p>Goddammit.</p><p>“Thank you, Alphonse. Have you figured out where you’re staying yet tonight?”</p><p>“I figured I’d find a hotel or something. It’s been a while since I’ve been back in Central, though, I miss it! I thought maybe I’d check out a restaurant or something.”</p><p>Riza just nodded, her heart suddenly doing something funny in her chest. <em>You have known him since he was-</em></p><p>
  <em>-well, a suit of armour. Does that count? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Crud. Responsibility is hard.</em>
</p><p>Then Alphonse turned that very pretty, very glowy gaze of his onto her. “Want to get dinner with me tonight?”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, um.</p><p><em>Say no, </em>Riza’s conscience urged. <em>He’s practically your kid. </em>Well, no, that just sounded like a stretch. <em>He’s young. </em>He was twenty. <em>This is a bad idea. </em>Was it?</p><p>“Do say yes,” he urged. “I want to hear what everybody’s been up to. You especially,” he added, with a little grin. “Ed thinks life is boring without us around, but I’m betting your blood pressure is better than ever.”</p><p>“Oh <em>alright,</em>” Riza gave in, although it really hadn’t taken much. “But I’m not letting you pick up the bill. You’re still…uh…”</p><p>“If you say a kid, I’m going to take that as a challenge,” he teased, and a prickle of anticipation went up her spine. Challenge to do <em>what?</em></p><p>----</p><p>As it turned out – to see how many times he could make her cum in one night. Or something along those lines. Maybe it was the very, very slight buzz of Aerugoan wine, but as Riza buried her hands in her sheets and arced her back against his mouth, she couldn’t help but find the fact that this was Al – <em>her </em>Alphonse – made it even more erotic. That was probably terrible. She didn’t care right at this moment.</p><p>His fingers slid inside her, tongue sliding over her clit, then up around her belly button.</p><p>“Just fuck me,” she gasped, “please, <em>please.</em>”</p><p>“Oh Riza, I didn’t know you could <em>be </em>so crude,” he teased, sliding up until his mouth teased at her earlobe. “What kind of example are you setting?”</p><p>“I never-“ she gasped as his cock slid against her, over her oversensitive nub and stomach, “gave you permission to c-call me that,” she struggled out the rest.</p><p>“You’re very right,” he admitted, his hands sliding around her wrists. “As you wish-“ his cock began to slide into her, thumbs drawing circles on the insides of her arms, “Lieutenant.”</p><p>Fuck, she was going to kill him, once he was done giving her the best fuck of her life.</p><p>                Later, when he’d fallen asleep on her pillow, she brushed some of his hair out of his face and waited for the guilt to kick in. It didn’t, oddly enough, even though she kept expecting it. Maybe expecting to feel bad <em>was </em>the feeling bad. But Alphonse had truly, decidedly, swept her off her feet.</p><p>                She bopped his nose with her finger. “Once. You get away with that <em>once.</em>”</p><p>                Was it her, or did he smile a little? Who knew. Besides, she was allowed a couple questionable one-night-stands in her life.</p><p>---</p><p>                Life at work had been pretty normal even after Mustang’s promotion to General. The team was back together, with a few new additions (Catalina made a wonderful member, even if she kept trying to make Riza wear makeup, which… no.) and even Havoc as their ‘man on the ground’ coordinator.</p><p>                “I have told them so many times,” he growled as he wheeled into their office. “The elevator is not for people whose legs work fine. They can use it if they want. But if there is no room for me, they are <em>using it wrong.</em>”</p><p>                Riza laughed and gave Havoc’s shoulder a pat. “I can shoot them if you want.”</p><p>                “I can shoot them myself if it comes to that, but it won’t give them more braincells.” He got himself seated at his desk. “Oh, hey, Hawkeye, do you know if Al’s gonna stop by the office?”</p><p>                “Hm? Oh, I’m not sure. I think he’s probably heading to Rizenbul soon.” It’d been two weeks since the night they’d spent together, and honestly, Riza was surprised he wasn’t already gone. Every time she asked him, he said he was still catching up, seeing the sights, getting to know everybody properly. “It’s hard in a suit of armour! Everybody’s so <em>threatened,</em>” he’d complained. She had to give him that.</p><p>                “Oh. Uh, that’s a shame.” Havoc made a strange expression at that, studiously busying himself with the stack of papers on his desk.</p><p>                “What, you didn’t get to see him?”</p><p>                “Oh, no, I did! He looks great! I just – uh, never mind.”</p><p>                Was that – was that a blush on Havoc’s face. Riza squinted at him until he glanced up again and – on meeting her eyes – started like a deer in headlights.</p><p>                She walked over to his desk. “<em>Havoc,</em>” she said threateningly.</p><p>                “I-I- nothing!”</p><p>                “What are you intimidating Jean about now, Lizzy?”</p><p>                “It’s Riza,” she sighed as Catalina dropped her purse on her own desk. “And we’re just talking about Al.”</p><p>                “Ooh, is he gonna come in? I love him,” Catalina cooed. “Isn’t he <em>handsome </em>these days?”</p><p>                Breda and Fuery quickly dropped their heads to their desks, pretending they weren’t part of the conversation.</p><p>                Oh dear.</p><p>                Oh <em>dear. </em></p><p>                Riza pinched her nose. “Havoc,” she said quietly, “did you sleep with Alphonse?”</p><p>                “I – What? I would <em>never! </em>He’s a kid! He’s like my son! Our collective son!” Havoc was <em>trying </em>to be quiet, but it wasn’t working, which meant her attempt at discretion failed. Utterly.</p><p>                Catalina laughed. “I can see why you guys would be weird about it, but I think he’s <em>adorable. </em>And what a gentleman! Do you know how many men sneak out in the middle of the night? He made me breakfast!”</p><p>                Riza and Havoc both stared at her, and Riza could feel a mirror to Havoc’s embarrassed flush creeping up her face. Catalina stared back at them. “What? I’m a modern woman. I’m not embarrassed!”</p><p>                She buried her head in her hands. “Would anybody in this room who has not had sex with Alphonse please raise your hand?”</p><p>                She waited a moment. Then she raised her head.</p><p>                Falman nervously poked his hand in the air – then, in shame, lowered it.</p><p>                “Well,” she grumbled, “I suppose that answers the whole ‘parental unit’ question.”</p><p>                “I’m twenty-five!” Fuery protested. “I’m pretty sure that was never a thing!”</p><p>                “You have to admit, Riza, that was <em>always </em>a little questionable,” Breda added. “<em>Ed </em>is our dumbass kid. Alphonse is the guy we took gambling.”</p><p>                “You did <em>what?</em>” Riza seethed as Havoc made frantic throat-slitting gestures.</p><p>                “Er, I mean, we definitely didn’t take him gambling. Or to a strip club. That definitely didn’t happen either.”</p><p>                “Why would you take him to a strip club?” Riza asked helplessly.</p><p>                “Hey, the kid had eyes. That’s really all you need for a strip club,” Havoc shrugged – then held up his hands. “I’m already disabled! Don’t hit me! You wouldn’t hit a crippled man!”</p><p>                The door to Roy’s office – finally – swung open. “Okay, okay, what’s everybody bickering about this time?”</p><p>                Everybody looked at Riza, with eyes begging for mercy. She didn’t feel like giving them any. Luckily nobody had clued in on the fact that she hadn’t raised her hand either. “Apparently the men – and Catalina – have been up to shenanigans with Alphonse. A lot of them. In bed.”</p><p>                Roy turned a distinct shade of pink. “Oh dear, my phone’s ringing-“ He closed his door.</p><p>                “General Mustang, you open your door this instant!”</p><p>                He did, letting her in, then immediately closed it again, visibly sweating. “You can’t tell Ed. Please don’t tell Ed. I want to live.”</p><p>                “You too?” She was running <em>out </em>of reactions. “You slept with A-“</p><p>                “Yes, yell it to the whole compound, why don’t you?”</p><p>                “What happened?” To tell the truth, he looked so flustered, she was trying not to laugh. “It’s been months since you slept with a man at all, I didn’t think your next would be –“</p><p>                “I didn’t <em>plan it,</em> Riza,” he said glumly, flopping down on the couch with his hands over his eyes. “He just asked if he could come over for a drink, and show me some of the books he’d picked up. We started talking alchemy, and I’d forgotten how smart he was, and then he <em>kissed me, </em>and –“ He slid down the couch. “Is it worse or better that I don’t regret it at all? Because oh my god.”</p><p>                “I know, right?” she said without thinking.</p><p>                Roy parted his fingers, and then his face transformed into an expression of absolute <em>glee. </em>“HA!”</p><p>                “Oh, <em>don’t,</em>” she tried to protest, hiding her face, but she couldn’t quite hide the little smile.</p><p>                “Ha, ha, <em>ha, </em>you <em>cannot </em>give me attitude.”</p><p>                “I can give you a little! You’re the General!”</p><p>                “How was it?” he asked, perching his chin on his fists like a schoolboy. “Come on, you haven’t been laid in years, you have to tell me.”</p><p>                “It was good. Um – really, <em>really </em>good.” Crap. She really <em>was </em>blushing. “Who the hell taught him how to do half of that?”</p><p>                “I don’t know but he is smooth. I didn’t even <em>realize </em>I was being picked up. Wait –“ Roy’s eyebrows flew up. “<em>Everybody </em>in the office.”</p><p>                “Yep,” she said, popping her lips.</p><p>                “Havoc? Catalina?”</p><p>                “Yep. And Falman, apparently.”</p><p>                “Wow. In two weeks?”</p><p>                “In two weeks.”</p><p>                “Damn,” he mouthed. Then he buried his head in his knees. “We’re all dead. You know that, right?”</p><p>                “Ohh yeah.”</p><p>                Then Roy smirked. “Worth it?”</p><p>                “I’m not answering that,” she said, although her helpless smile probably said plenty.</p><p>---</p><p>                Alphonse did end up coming into the office, sort of. Riza was looking for a pen when she opened the supply closet to Fuery and Al apparently <em>several </em>minutes deep into a makeout session, Al’s hand disappearing into Fuery’s unzipped slacks-</p><p>                She cleared her throat. Fuery had the decency to look embarrassed, and slunk off, trying to discreetly fix his trousers. Alphonse just turned and grinned at her. “Hey, Riza.”</p><p>                She bit her tongue not to correct him – they were almost <em>definitely </em>past that – then closed the closet door behind her.</p><p>                He raised an eyebrow. “Fuery <em>did </em>get here first.”</p><p>                “You’ve been busy.”</p><p>                “Oh, so you <em>have </em>been talking to each other. I was starting to wonder.”</p><p>                “You’re not the slightest bit embarrassed?”</p><p>                He shrugged, eyes twinkling. “Should I be?” Then the smile dropped slightly. “You look upset.”</p><p>                “Not upset, just – worried, I suppose?”</p><p>                He sat down on one of the boxes, crossing his lanky legs at the ankle in the narrow space. “I did tell you I was getting to know everybody all over again.”</p><p>                “I – I didn’t think this was what you meant!”</p><p>                “Why not? There’s no law against it.”</p><p>                Riza frowned, mostly at herself. She wasn’t sure why she <em>was </em>bothered. She’d never expected anything more than a one-night stand, herself, and she doubted anybody else had even if they were relentlessly charmed and hoping for a little more action. Horny bastards. (Her own late-night masturbation session was besides the point.) He was using protection, he wasn’t about to get anybody pregnant, and the only other thing that came to mind was that god-awful lecture she’d sat through as a twelve-year-old about <em>your body is a flower </em>that she and Catalina had once written down in full just to burn in spite.</p><p>                “Besides,” Al said with a serious look, “can you blame me?” He stood, taking her hand in his. “It’s been <em>so long </em>since I got to touch anybody, Riza. Having a body of my own, getting to feel all of this – it’s intoxicating.”</p><p>                She stared at him, then deadpanned, “How often does that one work?”</p><p>                “About one out of every three. It’s good, isn’t it?” The grin was back. The cheeky little <em>fuck.</em></p><p>She couldn’t help it. She broke into giggles.</p><p>                “See? I knew you’d see it my way!”</p><p>                “I need you to understand that everybody in this office is terrified for their lives,” she said between giggles, “because of your <em>brother.</em>”</p><p>                Al rolled his eyes. “Ed,” he scoffed, “got worried that Winry was going to get pregnant because they <em>French kissed. </em>I wouldn’t worry about it.”</p><p>                “How are you two brothers? Actually – more to the point, how on earth did you learn how to <em>flirt? </em>Not from him.”</p><p>                “Trial and error. Trust me, I made sure to make an idiot of myself in a foreign country where you guys would never, <em>never </em>hear about it.” Then he squeezed her hand, which she realized he was still holding. “Did you have more to tell me off about,” he said teasingly, “or did you want me in a closet with you for another reason?”</p><p>                She opened the door with a flaring blush. “Not at <em>work,</em>” she fumed.</p><p>                “But later?” he whispered in her ear as he passed.</p><p>                “You are <em>due </em>in <em>Rizenbul.</em>”</p><p>                “Fine, fine,” he laughed. “Rain check, then.”</p><p>                She crossed her arms, tempted to slap him. And true to his word, he actually <em>did </em>go to Rizenbul that time. But Riza had a funny feeling he’d be back. And well – she was looking forward to it.</p>
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